One of the best life advice I've been given are gifted by my therapist, "Be nice at your own risk".
As much as kindness is being praised as a thoughtful, caring, and generous behavior, some people still think it’s a sign of weakness. There seems to be a perception that a kind person is soft and emotionally frail, while an individual who is rude and blunt, more often than not is someone who is considered tough, socially intriguing, and even admirable.
At first this advice was incredibly hard for me to take in. As a people-pleaser, I've always thought that people would like me better and see me as more valuable if I gave as much as I could. Instead, I realized that people actually appreciated it less. In fact, because of my inability to say no to people, they only came to me when they needed something, as if I was a tool.
I like listening and taking care of people, but I'm tired of people emotionally dumping on me. Actually, "tired" is a euphemism. It's hard to set limits. It's harder especially when you're a highly empathetic person, have a depressive disorder yourself, and already let people emotionally dump on you before. And it's even harder when those people are family. So I'm really lost on how to set limits since the dynamics with each person is different and all of this affects every aspect of me and my life, including creativity, memory, attention span, sleep... everything.
Don't let people do this to you.
The nicer I was towards my peers, the more I found myself holding unrealistic expectations for others. I would go above and beyond for any of my friends, and took it personally when they were not willing to do the same for me. What I did not understand was that they were taking care of their own needs, and that it was my responsibility to do the same for myself.
My point is NOT to be unkind toward other people, but to be nice with limits. When the little voices inside of your head are telling you that helping this person might put your own mental health at risk, don't do it. Having boundaries is NOT egotistical nor cruel, repeat after me.
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Hi! I also put others’ needs before my own, and personally for me, I don’t ever really get tired when people share their thoughts and feelings with me. I like listening to the people I care about and helping as much as I can. However, I agree that people should never trauma dump. It is unsolicited, and it is always important for them to ask before sharing. I think it is necessary to set boundaries like you said, but unfortunately, there are some people who do not respect those boundaries. It gets annoying and frustrating when trying to explain to those people how they are violating boundaries, especially when they don’t even realize it and therefore deny it. It becomes a tiring cycle, a cycle to get stuck in, a cycle that adds to trust issues. I understand where you are coming from, and I think your message is valuable and should be heard more.
ReplyDeleteI agree with your overall message of setting limits to how kind one should be. Kindness is a gift rarely bestowed upon people nowadays, and there’s a reason for that. People are known for taking advantage of everything in life, and one of those things is other people’s kindness. I know this because my own kindness caused me to lose $20. I wouldn’t say that I now treat everyone I don’t know that well in a hostile manner, but it’s just hard to know who’ll take you being nice for granted.
ReplyDeleteI totally understand how you feel, and it’s part of the reason why I have a problem trusting others easily. Like you said, being nice to someone is mentally draining when they’re not doing the same for you. For me, being nice to someone is one of the first steps to placing my trust in them. It doesn’t work out most of the time, but now I know not to waste my time trying to be way too nice to them.
ReplyDeleteThis perfectly describes the plight of trying to be helpful and I totally understand how you feel when you say you don’t like people using you as an emotional dump. As much as you want to be there for people sometimes, your own health is more important as bearing too much of the burden makes it harder in the long run. It’s like lifting something heavy, if you don’t take breaks or carry too much too fast, you risk not being able to lift it at all, crumbling under the weight.
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